Defeat is a State of Mind

I’m sick. I’m tired. I’m worn thin of all of the crap that people use to keep each other in check. Friends do it. Enemies do it. Family does it. Everyone feels the urge to push others down and support themselves. It’s like everyone feels as if they’re drowning… as if not pushing on others and not climbing to the top will get them killed because they’re so scared of going unnoticed or leaving this world unremembered.

November 9, 2011, 8:07 pm. This is that date and time that I have decided that I will no longer participate. I will no longer push or pull or allow myself to be pushed or to be pulled by others. I will make it on my own. I don’t need approval. I don’t need support. I don’t need to weigh myself against the world and everyone in it to satisfy some godforsaken, unnatural lust for attention. No, I will strive to be the person that I know exists. It’s a person a lot different that what the world might think. It’s someone that I know and you don’t. Don’t you see? I’m going to make it and many of you never will. You will continue to struggle and fight each other in the water trying to stay afloat but I have learned to swim and so I will swim away from the turmoil and distress. Since I’ve made this decision I can feel it. I am no longer limited to you, or you, or you. I am no longer chained by my friends’, teachers’, and parents’ expectations, or the standards of society. Their disapproval, their acceptance. It doesn’t matter. Nothing outside my aspirations affects me at all.

I have come to realize that Defeat is a state of mind and only you can consent to it. Only the person whom feels defeated can truly be defeated. So the solution is obvious. Never give in. Don’t be defeated. I finally pieced the puzzle together today. I told myself that I would no longer be defeated by you, or him, or her, or it, because I will no longer be comparable. Like apples and oranges… So to my friends, to my family, to my enemies, and most of all, to the anonymous reader, I would like to say this:

I don’t want your opinion. I don’t long for your advice. I don’t need your support or your criticisms. Likewise, you won’t ever hear me try to influence you in any way. I won’t tell you anything to sway you’re way of life. I won’t do anything to push or pull on you. Please respect me and do the same.

True Heartbreak

          It's that hopeless aching in your heart that won't go away right? It clenches at you and keeps you from breathing, from taking care of yourself, from sleeping at night because you picture them happy with that other person. You see it vividly and it eats at you slowly until you just can't stand it anymore. It screams at you and tears at every cell in your body every second of every day. You're angry at them for it but your also sad for yourself. Then eventually instead of getting better it gets worse. You notice that you're starving but you don't want to eat or drink. You're exhausted and can't find the energy to cry yourself to sleep any more so you lie in bed alone and without tears to block the visions you still see them and you wither away inside. they moved on so easily and yet you can't. I know what it feels like... I really do. Why would I ever do that to you again now that you've shown me what it feels like? ...I would never.

The Dark Will Kill You Faster

If I were to describe the magnitude of love in my life then I would compare it with a flame. However I would say that it is currently a flame that has died down to a couple of small flairs and embers. There is a bright flicker of life here and there but as the night grows cold it withers even more. If I were to light a torch and leave the fire then I would have the light and I wouldn't be scared anymore but It also would lack true warmth. A torch isn't hot enough to warm me. Only the nice crackle of the fire can do that. I can feel it in my memories; a nice radiant heat that sweeps over my forearms first and slowly heats the rest of me. I could bask in that warmth for a lifetime. That's why people do. Yet... my fire is dying and I have a choice to make. Do I light a torch and move on or do I stick around and try to wait out the harsh bitter cold nights without light or heat to sustain me. I was once informed that the cold can kill you quickly but the dark can kill you faster... My choice is clear to me. If I am to survive I must Light my own way, for this fire is dead and it refuses to rekindle any time soon.

The Boundaries of Self Destruction

          Is it tragedy or is it merely karma? I find myself desperately clinging to the hope that she still loves me after everything that I put her through. I know she doesn't, and I fool myself every day when I go to hug her in the hall or watch her walk away, slowly dying inside with every step that puts her further from me; not farther, but further. She looms in and out of my thoughts freely and without a care in the world, constantly tormenting me, telling me that she could still have feelings, but never showing them, never hinting that something still remains there for me. I told her that I would wait patiently only a few days ago, but what was a few day to the rest of the world turned into dreadful centuries for me, smiling on the outside, and weeping on the inside. I shouldn't do this. It's not healthy. I know, but I cannot look back. Behind me there is nothing good save for a few moments of happiness sprinkled into a battered and bruised childhood torn straight down the parental line.
          I want to scream, and cry, but my father sits working at home in the dining room. He would hear. He would ask what is wrong and I would refuse to tell him. The bond between a father and son doesn't exist, only a shallow representation of the stereotypical relationship. Or when I find myself in the household of my mother... I would cry out from my room like a weak little brat. David would be the first to hear, then my other brothers, and then my mother and step father, always willing to help, but yet further from me than they should be; yes, still further, not farther... and though I would like to think that my brothers would not judge such a desperate soul, especially one so close to them, I know that it would be inevitable. It would weaken the already flimsy character I am to them and the rest of that family.
          So I sit in silence, building up, bottling and storing everything inside of me, with the occasional release to a friend. One that barely cares about me, one that I can trust, not because I know they wouldn't tell someone, or judge me... no. I don't trust people because I know that they will be kind, I trust them simply because they are predictable. Take yourself for example, you will read this, think about it, and the next day I, along with my problems, will be locked away somewhere in the back of your mind. The world doesn't care about one. I can trust you because I know what you'll do... nothing. I can trust one of my friends this way. I call her a friend for lack of a better fitting word. Understand I use it loosely. I can trust that she will put on an encouraging face if what I'm worried about is legitimate, or nod her head and smile if its just funny for her to watch me squirm over something she thinks I shouldn't be worrying about. Then, the next moment we will be talking about something else and life will go on... untouched, unchanged, unaltered and inexplicable and relentlessly painful to endure...
          I write out of desperation. Somewhere deep deep inside me, I hope that her "plans" could change. I wish solemnly that her mind were never written in stone, and that non of this had to happen. As I lie in bed at night I fight a battle with my eyes on two fronts. I refuse to let them show a sign of weakness, and I refuse to let them tear; and on the other end of the war I refuse to let them shout. I long to stay awake, in the real world where I need not live my nightmares. Where I need not watch them hug or kiss or walk away together. Where I need not let my mind control the outcome. At least in this world I can find salvation with a simple distraction; a moment of hope or a misconstrued and contorted gesture from the one I love so desperately. That I can feed off of. I can live off of these things for days, wondering if she would smile like that at just anyone. Or I might wonder if it was just the way that her eyes seemed to catch the sun or if they had truly betrayed a few moments, however brief, of feeling that she knew she shouldn't have for me. I wonder why, if she has these feelings, she doesn't act on them, and show me outright... Sustain my hope...
          I understand that to say I am not well is most likely just an understatement. I need help, and I'll admit it here, where no one cares, where I can scream all I want and get no response but when it comes to the physical world, I can't bring myself to utter even a sigh of discontent. My words mean nothing when they come from my mouth. You hear them and maybe think once on them, let the sense labor your mind for merely a moment and then move on... but here, where the words don't go away, where they are written forever, you cannot ignore them. you cannot run from them, because now they include you. I dare you to step in and help. You know I need it... but yet tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, and all the days to come before my death will be void of any contact from a being that truly cares...

Attention

          In my eyes, Dante is one of the most amazing names in the world. Truthfully, I sometimes wish it were my own. However, I don't believe I would deserve to be called the lasting. In all actuality I deserve a more realistic name; Handsome doesn't seem to fit me either.
          A friend is something that not anyone essentially needs to survive. Indeed, I begin to wonder sometimes just how many I actually have. At this particular moment in time I seem to be under the impression that not very many people have truly been kind to this kid that already feels like he's been through hell.
          You shouldn't have to beg someone's approval... of anything, small or large. Yet the world and its network of social webs consisting of socialites that have an insatiable thirst for attention and other peoples' approval of themselves, seems to revolve around just that, begging. Don't be fooled, it's subtle, but people beg for attention every day with cloths, facebook statuses, makeup, the spoken word, etc. As a matter of fact, take this article for instance...  You could decide that this is just a silent plea for recognition and acceptance or even a call for attention and praise if that's what you think. I would hope however, that I could at least come off a little more "Anna" than that...
          I wish that people would for once take a step back. Just step out of their life and look at themselves. If you like the way you look desperately clinging to your phone, caking yourself with makeup, spending tons of your parents money on the newest cloths, desperately trying to get a compliment or an ounce of attention form someone else, then by all means continue doing what you're doing. But I can guarantee you that if you could see yourself from my eyes, or almost anyone else's you would choke on your own vanity...

It's Sad... Pathetic Almost

          What did you hope to gain by doing that? What were you trying to accomplish by striking out at her? By doing so you've only provoked more drama and anger! You’re like a damn two year old that just didn't get exactly what it wanted. I don't know when you turned into such an inconsiderate, self-centered, bratty, bitch from hell, but it's definitely not attractive. It's horrible and ugly. I guess that I should have seen it coming though. People actions always resemble themselves in some way. Yes, I just called you horrible and ugly, just in case you couldn't quite grasp the simple concept of the correlation. I didn't do so just out of anger either. I did it because it's true. You look like such an innocent little angel (that could use a lot less makeup if you ask me) but you're nothing but a jealous little two faced prick that pitches a fit when shit doesn't go her way? Do you have any idea how immature you are? how much of a dumb ass you look like? It's absolutely pathetic. If any of your "friends" knew I'm sure they would completely agree with me... you know, the ones you're trying to take from Katie... or more like, just take to six flags... the same day of Katie's birthday party... that you couldn't possibly NOT know about... Oh and Katie just HAPPENS to be the one I'm dating instead of YOU and that smirk you gave me in the hall right after I found out totally had nothing to do with this ridiculous war for Katie's friends. Go to hell.

          Also, if you were perhaps laboring under the delusion that Katie asked me to do this, or I'm doing this because she wanted me to, you're completely off base. I'm doing it simply because if it were ever possible to actually hate someone I have arrived at a point which hate doesn't quite describe my feeling for you with enough loathing. In my eyes, Julie, all you are any more is a conceded, bitch. Two faced because you're proud and envious (cardinal sins by the way) and you barely care about the people you're trying to manipulate! Maybe if you gave a shit about anyone you'd get a lot further in life. Otherwise everyone will eventually see through to mask that you wear everywhere. I almost feel obligated to tell you how horrible of a Christian you are. You act as if you have some moral authority in your life but when you do shit like this, everyone in the world could see the corruption of the very fabric of your conscience. I realize that by saying that and saying what is to come, I have sunken to your level and I realize that I'm sure to get tones of backspin on this from the people you've already inducted into your own little fantasy world where everything is wonderful and you're not crazy, but I don't care at this point. I made a small promise once to bring down those that deserve to be brought down, and you my jealous little f*** are on the top of the list. At this point I don't care what happens to me anymore. I only care that you're in ruin before I'm finished with this.

          And one last sentiment in regard to my motivation for this. If you couldn't believe me when I told you I do this because I want to, not because of Katie, then cite the conversation we had only moments after you degraded her yesterday:

     "Do you have any idea what I could do to her?! If I pulled a few strings her life would be over!"

     "No! Don't do that! I don't want you to start something. I don't even  want to hurt her. It'll be fine."

     "Why not?"

     "Because if you do that then she'll just lie and tell everyone I told you to attack her! Then all of my friends will hate me!"

     "But if they knew the truth then they would be good friends and turn away from the bitch that is turning them against you out of envy!"

          Run Julie... Run.

Congratulations! You're Bridge has been Burned

          To be completely honest, I didn't think I'd ever have to write about you. I thought that you had merely become a background character in my life whom I could either ignore or put up with for as long as I needed to or the fates saw fit. Well apparently that's  not quite the case now is it? You need to pick yourself up and move on okay? I dated you all of four, maybe five months, and to be quite frank right now, those months took place almost two years ago now; probably a little more than that. Seriously, get over me. I'm not really worth anything to anybody right now. You tell me I'm scared of burning bridges? You think I should "man up?" Well you know, I've been fully capable of doing this for a while now. As a matter of fact I've wanted to as well. You annoy me every time you so much as gesture in my direction yet alone say something intended for me to hear. I could care less what happens any more between you and me. I actually have been wishing that you'd just forget about me and stop bugging me for about a year now. Yet you always found ways to creep back up and annoy me once more. Just go away. Go find somewhere you can wallow in self pity for having waisted so much time on me. I wouldn't have given anything back and I still have no interest in doing so now. Give up. Congratulations! You're bridge... has been burned.