Defeat is a State of Mind

I’m sick. I’m tired. I’m worn thin of all of the crap that people use to keep each other in check. Friends do it. Enemies do it. Family does it. Everyone feels the urge to push others down and support themselves. It’s like everyone feels as if they’re drowning… as if not pushing on others and not climbing to the top will get them killed because they’re so scared of going unnoticed or leaving this world unremembered.

November 9, 2011, 8:07 pm. This is that date and time that I have decided that I will no longer participate. I will no longer push or pull or allow myself to be pushed or to be pulled by others. I will make it on my own. I don’t need approval. I don’t need support. I don’t need to weigh myself against the world and everyone in it to satisfy some godforsaken, unnatural lust for attention. No, I will strive to be the person that I know exists. It’s a person a lot different that what the world might think. It’s someone that I know and you don’t. Don’t you see? I’m going to make it and many of you never will. You will continue to struggle and fight each other in the water trying to stay afloat but I have learned to swim and so I will swim away from the turmoil and distress. Since I’ve made this decision I can feel it. I am no longer limited to you, or you, or you. I am no longer chained by my friends’, teachers’, and parents’ expectations, or the standards of society. Their disapproval, their acceptance. It doesn’t matter. Nothing outside my aspirations affects me at all.

I have come to realize that Defeat is a state of mind and only you can consent to it. Only the person whom feels defeated can truly be defeated. So the solution is obvious. Never give in. Don’t be defeated. I finally pieced the puzzle together today. I told myself that I would no longer be defeated by you, or him, or her, or it, because I will no longer be comparable. Like apples and oranges… So to my friends, to my family, to my enemies, and most of all, to the anonymous reader, I would like to say this:

I don’t want your opinion. I don’t long for your advice. I don’t need your support or your criticisms. Likewise, you won’t ever hear me try to influence you in any way. I won’t tell you anything to sway you’re way of life. I won’t do anything to push or pull on you. Please respect me and do the same.

True Heartbreak

          It's that hopeless aching in your heart that won't go away right? It clenches at you and keeps you from breathing, from taking care of yourself, from sleeping at night because you picture them happy with that other person. You see it vividly and it eats at you slowly until you just can't stand it anymore. It screams at you and tears at every cell in your body every second of every day. You're angry at them for it but your also sad for yourself. Then eventually instead of getting better it gets worse. You notice that you're starving but you don't want to eat or drink. You're exhausted and can't find the energy to cry yourself to sleep any more so you lie in bed alone and without tears to block the visions you still see them and you wither away inside. they moved on so easily and yet you can't. I know what it feels like... I really do. Why would I ever do that to you again now that you've shown me what it feels like? ...I would never.

The Dark Will Kill You Faster

If I were to describe the magnitude of love in my life then I would compare it with a flame. However I would say that it is currently a flame that has died down to a couple of small flairs and embers. There is a bright flicker of life here and there but as the night grows cold it withers even more. If I were to light a torch and leave the fire then I would have the light and I wouldn't be scared anymore but It also would lack true warmth. A torch isn't hot enough to warm me. Only the nice crackle of the fire can do that. I can feel it in my memories; a nice radiant heat that sweeps over my forearms first and slowly heats the rest of me. I could bask in that warmth for a lifetime. That's why people do. Yet... my fire is dying and I have a choice to make. Do I light a torch and move on or do I stick around and try to wait out the harsh bitter cold nights without light or heat to sustain me. I was once informed that the cold can kill you quickly but the dark can kill you faster... My choice is clear to me. If I am to survive I must Light my own way, for this fire is dead and it refuses to rekindle any time soon.

The Boundaries of Self Destruction

          Is it tragedy or is it merely karma? I find myself desperately clinging to the hope that she still loves me after everything that I put her through. I know she doesn't, and I fool myself every day when I go to hug her in the hall or watch her walk away, slowly dying inside with every step that puts her further from me; not farther, but further. She looms in and out of my thoughts freely and without a care in the world, constantly tormenting me, telling me that she could still have feelings, but never showing them, never hinting that something still remains there for me. I told her that I would wait patiently only a few days ago, but what was a few day to the rest of the world turned into dreadful centuries for me, smiling on the outside, and weeping on the inside. I shouldn't do this. It's not healthy. I know, but I cannot look back. Behind me there is nothing good save for a few moments of happiness sprinkled into a battered and bruised childhood torn straight down the parental line.
          I want to scream, and cry, but my father sits working at home in the dining room. He would hear. He would ask what is wrong and I would refuse to tell him. The bond between a father and son doesn't exist, only a shallow representation of the stereotypical relationship. Or when I find myself in the household of my mother... I would cry out from my room like a weak little brat. David would be the first to hear, then my other brothers, and then my mother and step father, always willing to help, but yet further from me than they should be; yes, still further, not farther... and though I would like to think that my brothers would not judge such a desperate soul, especially one so close to them, I know that it would be inevitable. It would weaken the already flimsy character I am to them and the rest of that family.
          So I sit in silence, building up, bottling and storing everything inside of me, with the occasional release to a friend. One that barely cares about me, one that I can trust, not because I know they wouldn't tell someone, or judge me... no. I don't trust people because I know that they will be kind, I trust them simply because they are predictable. Take yourself for example, you will read this, think about it, and the next day I, along with my problems, will be locked away somewhere in the back of your mind. The world doesn't care about one. I can trust you because I know what you'll do... nothing. I can trust one of my friends this way. I call her a friend for lack of a better fitting word. Understand I use it loosely. I can trust that she will put on an encouraging face if what I'm worried about is legitimate, or nod her head and smile if its just funny for her to watch me squirm over something she thinks I shouldn't be worrying about. Then, the next moment we will be talking about something else and life will go on... untouched, unchanged, unaltered and inexplicable and relentlessly painful to endure...
          I write out of desperation. Somewhere deep deep inside me, I hope that her "plans" could change. I wish solemnly that her mind were never written in stone, and that non of this had to happen. As I lie in bed at night I fight a battle with my eyes on two fronts. I refuse to let them show a sign of weakness, and I refuse to let them tear; and on the other end of the war I refuse to let them shout. I long to stay awake, in the real world where I need not live my nightmares. Where I need not watch them hug or kiss or walk away together. Where I need not let my mind control the outcome. At least in this world I can find salvation with a simple distraction; a moment of hope or a misconstrued and contorted gesture from the one I love so desperately. That I can feed off of. I can live off of these things for days, wondering if she would smile like that at just anyone. Or I might wonder if it was just the way that her eyes seemed to catch the sun or if they had truly betrayed a few moments, however brief, of feeling that she knew she shouldn't have for me. I wonder why, if she has these feelings, she doesn't act on them, and show me outright... Sustain my hope...
          I understand that to say I am not well is most likely just an understatement. I need help, and I'll admit it here, where no one cares, where I can scream all I want and get no response but when it comes to the physical world, I can't bring myself to utter even a sigh of discontent. My words mean nothing when they come from my mouth. You hear them and maybe think once on them, let the sense labor your mind for merely a moment and then move on... but here, where the words don't go away, where they are written forever, you cannot ignore them. you cannot run from them, because now they include you. I dare you to step in and help. You know I need it... but yet tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, and all the days to come before my death will be void of any contact from a being that truly cares...

Attention

          In my eyes, Dante is one of the most amazing names in the world. Truthfully, I sometimes wish it were my own. However, I don't believe I would deserve to be called the lasting. In all actuality I deserve a more realistic name; Handsome doesn't seem to fit me either.
          A friend is something that not anyone essentially needs to survive. Indeed, I begin to wonder sometimes just how many I actually have. At this particular moment in time I seem to be under the impression that not very many people have truly been kind to this kid that already feels like he's been through hell.
          You shouldn't have to beg someone's approval... of anything, small or large. Yet the world and its network of social webs consisting of socialites that have an insatiable thirst for attention and other peoples' approval of themselves, seems to revolve around just that, begging. Don't be fooled, it's subtle, but people beg for attention every day with cloths, facebook statuses, makeup, the spoken word, etc. As a matter of fact, take this article for instance...  You could decide that this is just a silent plea for recognition and acceptance or even a call for attention and praise if that's what you think. I would hope however, that I could at least come off a little more "Anna" than that...
          I wish that people would for once take a step back. Just step out of their life and look at themselves. If you like the way you look desperately clinging to your phone, caking yourself with makeup, spending tons of your parents money on the newest cloths, desperately trying to get a compliment or an ounce of attention form someone else, then by all means continue doing what you're doing. But I can guarantee you that if you could see yourself from my eyes, or almost anyone else's you would choke on your own vanity...

It's Sad... Pathetic Almost

          What did you hope to gain by doing that? What were you trying to accomplish by striking out at her? By doing so you've only provoked more drama and anger! You’re like a damn two year old that just didn't get exactly what it wanted. I don't know when you turned into such an inconsiderate, self-centered, bratty, bitch from hell, but it's definitely not attractive. It's horrible and ugly. I guess that I should have seen it coming though. People actions always resemble themselves in some way. Yes, I just called you horrible and ugly, just in case you couldn't quite grasp the simple concept of the correlation. I didn't do so just out of anger either. I did it because it's true. You look like such an innocent little angel (that could use a lot less makeup if you ask me) but you're nothing but a jealous little two faced prick that pitches a fit when shit doesn't go her way? Do you have any idea how immature you are? how much of a dumb ass you look like? It's absolutely pathetic. If any of your "friends" knew I'm sure they would completely agree with me... you know, the ones you're trying to take from Katie... or more like, just take to six flags... the same day of Katie's birthday party... that you couldn't possibly NOT know about... Oh and Katie just HAPPENS to be the one I'm dating instead of YOU and that smirk you gave me in the hall right after I found out totally had nothing to do with this ridiculous war for Katie's friends. Go to hell.

          Also, if you were perhaps laboring under the delusion that Katie asked me to do this, or I'm doing this because she wanted me to, you're completely off base. I'm doing it simply because if it were ever possible to actually hate someone I have arrived at a point which hate doesn't quite describe my feeling for you with enough loathing. In my eyes, Julie, all you are any more is a conceded, bitch. Two faced because you're proud and envious (cardinal sins by the way) and you barely care about the people you're trying to manipulate! Maybe if you gave a shit about anyone you'd get a lot further in life. Otherwise everyone will eventually see through to mask that you wear everywhere. I almost feel obligated to tell you how horrible of a Christian you are. You act as if you have some moral authority in your life but when you do shit like this, everyone in the world could see the corruption of the very fabric of your conscience. I realize that by saying that and saying what is to come, I have sunken to your level and I realize that I'm sure to get tones of backspin on this from the people you've already inducted into your own little fantasy world where everything is wonderful and you're not crazy, but I don't care at this point. I made a small promise once to bring down those that deserve to be brought down, and you my jealous little f*** are on the top of the list. At this point I don't care what happens to me anymore. I only care that you're in ruin before I'm finished with this.

          And one last sentiment in regard to my motivation for this. If you couldn't believe me when I told you I do this because I want to, not because of Katie, then cite the conversation we had only moments after you degraded her yesterday:

     "Do you have any idea what I could do to her?! If I pulled a few strings her life would be over!"

     "No! Don't do that! I don't want you to start something. I don't even  want to hurt her. It'll be fine."

     "Why not?"

     "Because if you do that then she'll just lie and tell everyone I told you to attack her! Then all of my friends will hate me!"

     "But if they knew the truth then they would be good friends and turn away from the bitch that is turning them against you out of envy!"

          Run Julie... Run.

Congratulations! You're Bridge has been Burned

          To be completely honest, I didn't think I'd ever have to write about you. I thought that you had merely become a background character in my life whom I could either ignore or put up with for as long as I needed to or the fates saw fit. Well apparently that's  not quite the case now is it? You need to pick yourself up and move on okay? I dated you all of four, maybe five months, and to be quite frank right now, those months took place almost two years ago now; probably a little more than that. Seriously, get over me. I'm not really worth anything to anybody right now. You tell me I'm scared of burning bridges? You think I should "man up?" Well you know, I've been fully capable of doing this for a while now. As a matter of fact I've wanted to as well. You annoy me every time you so much as gesture in my direction yet alone say something intended for me to hear. I could care less what happens any more between you and me. I actually have been wishing that you'd just forget about me and stop bugging me for about a year now. Yet you always found ways to creep back up and annoy me once more. Just go away. Go find somewhere you can wallow in self pity for having waisted so much time on me. I wouldn't have given anything back and I still have no interest in doing so now. Give up. Congratulations! You're bridge... has been burned.

A Quick Snap Back at a Friend

          Oh love, for my conscience sake, don't make me. This morning you stepped way out of line. You have yet to even scratch the surface of this story and as good as you may think your idea is its completely crap. You never would have said it had you actually had a clue as to how I feel. It is completely different than the way you seem to perceive my feelings. Then again, you were the one that said I was detached. In a way that hides my true feelings so i would have expected you to realize that there was at least more to the story before you so rudely interrupted.
          I know that it was intended for good and you were only trying to help, but I'm terribly sorry to inform you that it didn't help at all. Just realize that I live my life in accordance with my design; not yours honey. Like I said, you've barely scratched the surface of the three year monstrosity that is the story you assume to know how to "fix." You're snooty, backhanded comment wrecked my mind for hours due to the fragile state its already in. I am not afraid of burning bridges. Ask anyone that even slightly knows me... they'll tell you the same thing.

          Whats funny is that I will most likely look back on your little comment and laugh one day. Very rude of you to say but yet so easily ignored and proven wrong. I will prove you wrong.

Why Can't I Chose?

          Someone chose for me. Someone hurt them all and take me far away where I don't have to know I couldn't keep everyone happy. I hate myself for allowing it to happen; allowing it to happen so many times... So would someone make the decision for me? would someone take the burden? I can't stand to see either with another. I can't stand to be without both for more than a month or so. I can't stand to see them hurt.  I can't take both. That's just cruel. I've dragged them along behind me for over a year by threads thinner than a hair.
          Do I cut my loses and stay with one? And if I did would they understand if it gets hard for me after a few weeks go by and something re-agitates my feelings for the other? I don't want to pick. And if so which one? The one I feel closest to even when I'm mad? Or the one that can always make me feel better? The one who's gentle, silent, and kind; or the one that is thoughtful, understanding and supportive? And it's not like one or the other is lacking any of the traits the other has its just to a different magnitude. They are much alike but they don't know it and wouldn't like to admit it...
          But then theres the option to leave; to go find someone else and just suffer as they both move on without me, because neither would come back if I let them go. Obviously neither one loves me as much as I love them both... And I don't blame them. What is there to love? A hurtful, harmful, lying, deceitful, arrogant, selfish, jealous, lustful, being that would starve to death for pride, and is currently dangerously close to drowning in his own sorrows...
          It frustrates me to no end.

People Are Stupid!

          Why can't anyone take words for what they actually mean? Is everyone that read my last post honestly cruel enough to make it into something it actually wasn't even when it was already hurtful? To be one hundred percent honest, I enjoy wringing people out for the things they do to hurt me or my friends or to get in trouble, but there is no way on God's green earth I would say something to hurt someone that wasn't true. If you dare take anything I say and misshape it to any extent, you will be the one to pay. Believe me, I more than most, cannot stand rumors, and when I find the person(s) that started this one you're going to pay with your reputation.

A Day from Hell

          A average day from hell starts early. You can usually tell it'll be bad from the start because something always sets it off. For instance, you forget something you need for class like an important assignment, or you have to wake up early for a long trip. Something simple that just puts you in a wretched mood. You begin to feel sluggish and annoyed at every little thing that goes wrong. Then when larger things start to take turns for the worse you lose the sloppy, tired feeling and become confused and irritated with a lively vigor that confuses you to no end as it gradually turns into a frantic craze of hysteria. So... there are a few people I would like to tell something... Listen up because the horrible day you had on that trip was nothing in comparison.

          First you, the snooty little girl who's life apparently sucks ass. Look, I barely talked to you all day. I knew you were mad at me but to tell you the truth I couldn't have cared less. The one time I did say anything to you was when I was trying to get you to turn around in your seat. People were making fun of you and the way you were sitting, so I was only trying to get you to turn around. But apparently you can't stand to hear me speak long enough to take the warning. If for any reason the bus had stopped suddenly, your neck would have snapped on the grip directly above your shoulders. Stupid doesn't look good on you, so when you finally stop pitching a fit long enough to realize I was only trying to intervene in the ridicule, think twice before you come talk to me, because depending on what mood I'm in I may just throw you in front of a train.

          You! Don't tell me you didn't guess that! Don't tell me you had no idea that I would want to spend my day with you. At the risk of sounding feminine, I practically threw myself at you for weeks! Every single day in English! Ask Cruse. She knows. It disgusted her. Besides, I had told you the He had a thing for you. What made you so damn blind, gullible, foolish, stupid, and naive that you had absolutely NO idea that that was going to happen? I'm sure if it had been any other time or person I would have been completely indifferent. Yet thats not even the end of it. It gets better...

          You had the nerve to do what you did in that theater. Both you and your friend were all over him... and he was all over both of you. You both looked like a couple of grade A teases! He was rubbing your thigh and you were all over his legs! Even though nothing happened you still acted way to childish. But not only did you throw yourself at him you pranced around the mall with yet another him around your waist and on your hip! I was in shock. And yet you have the audacity to say that I was the one that tore your work apart? So much "work" you'd put into rebuilding the "friendship" between us? That's a load of bull. You were completely wrong to be mad at anyone other than yourself.

          Now you, the one "eagerly awaiting" this. I can't help but be a tad bit disappointed in you for not stopping the small orgy going on behind you when you saw it but I know know of it was your fault so I can't be mad at you... As long as you trace my back again in Latin sometime :D

          OTHER THAN ALL OF YOU, my day was not made any better when I got another glimpse of my most recent "family" once again going their own ways and leaving me behind. I feel as if I finally got to know these guys and as if I had found a sanctuary but it seems that they don't want me. I will do what I can to hold on but that can only be so much. I'm drifting away once again and not a single one is throwing me a rope save for Ash. If I cannot hold to this one I don't think I'll try again. These people are exactly like me in mind, heart, and spirit but I just can't seem to get a grip and stay with them. Besides I see the beginnings of not only a powerful, but quick self destruct amongst you. If no one stops it I wont have anywhere to go.

          Yet, all things considered, I do believe I'll be okay. I'll survive like I always have, silent and alone. You don't need to worry that I won't make it. I'm far to suborn to capitulate to the worlds natural and evil devices. I get too much enjoyment from the lonely and quiet life I live that not a single person knows about. Try me. I'll grapple with the world and fight to the death if I have to but I WILL NOT go down without knowing I did everything to prevent it.

          If you would like to see the commentary on the only person involved in the "Day from Hell" that made it bearable see my much more friendly side and read from The Love of Dante.

Time to Put My Own Head on the Chopping Block

          I was tired. I was stupid. I was Reckless... What I did could have killed us both, or worse, just him. He's a brother to me and I could have destroyed that. It happened without sign or warning; without time to prepare. I lost control and we nearly died.
          But like I said, if only he had died, it would have been far worse. If I had died, to be honest, I wouldn't have anything to worry about, and if both of us left I would be going straight to hell for causing it.
          "Oh but Kev what about the people that love you? What would they do?" Well... I don't know the answer to that. The first thought that comes to mind is that they would regret my loss. Then we make the spectrum a little wider and we see people that would chuckle behind their backs. And one step further we would go outside the possible close fifty people to the rest of the world, to whom I am just another statistic. Just another blip on the radar in a pool of billions...
          So to me, if I died, I'm pretty sure I'd be okay with it. But If I had killed my brother, and worse, had to live with it, I'm not sure I could stand to look myself in the face every morning in the mirror. I would never forgive myself, never recover. It would be over for me. I would rot in a hole for the rest of my life knowing that I was responsible for it.
          Regardless, We are both fine. We were both saved to die some other time. And though I fear that my levels of sanity are dwindling I can only hope everyone around me get such a miraculous second chance as we did. But what's certain for now is...

          The struggle for sanity and life goes on...

For the Love of Him!

          Come on!! really? is it really that hard to keep it to yourself? Do you have to wave it around in everyones face every day? What kind of person are you if you do that? I don't have words to describe how livid it makes me to see you all prancing and strutting around so hypocritically wearing lies of purity and love. It's sick, vile, disgusting and arrogant! Keep your damn religion to yourself!
          Okay. Now that we've established the problem I'm going to show you why its a problem so that maybe you'll get a glimpse of your own self centered stupidity.
          The Christian faith, (all branches and denominations) Is supposed to be a conceded one. Don't get me wrong, everyone has a right to defend their beliefs, but there is a difference between defending and proselytizing. I would never disagree with someone taking a public measure to defend their religion but only do what is necessary. Don't preach to people that don't want to be preached to. For example: A follower of the Christian faith is told to never deny God before their piers, but that does not mean that when your church buddy asks you to admit to the world that your Christian for the fun of it or just because he/she wants to see if you'll do it that it's okay to visit Facebook and announce to the world:


          "I believe in Jesus Christ & have accepted him as my personal savior. One facebooker has challenged all believers to put this on their wall. In the Bible it says, if you deny me in front of your peers, I will deny you in front of my Father, at the gates of Heaven. Simple, If you love God & aren't afraid to say it REPOST THIS! (Remember Matthew 10:32-33)" 


          This is all good and dandy to know but let me just say this as any other annoyed viewer might, I don't care. Your exercising an extremely large amount of pride and you might want to be careful; it's a "sin."  ;)

          Some things that get just look stupid when you do them. They get on my nerves and pleanty of others nerves because... well frankly it just looks stupid and does you no good:

• Wearing t-shirts with bible verses or anything involving religion.
• Standing on street corners and preaching to random people that have much better things to do (get a day job).
• Telling me that you'll "pray for me." That's bull shit. I don't wan't to be prayed for, saved, or fixed because I don't need to be, and why would you even feel the need to tell me if you weren't just looking for attention?
• Dramatizing and enlarging a religious argument in order to a attract attention. (just plain stupid.)
• Being bias towards people because of their stand on opposing religion.

An finally, stop discriminating against people that stand up to your religion and question it. They have the right to believe what they want and speak their mind. Leave them alone and get over the fact that they don't buy into your crap. Stop whining and suck it up like everyone else.

Don't Tell Me where I Belong!

          I know what role I play in the lives of the people around me. I don't need you to tell me. Understand that I still believe I have larger feelings for you than that of a friend, but don't think that just because I have these feelings that I'm going to act upon them. I understand that you don't want me in your life as anything more than a friend, and I don't plan on being anything you don't want, so don't attack me for trying to help just as I would've helped ANY of my friends.
          You've been nice to me and humored me and my feelings for a while now and I am very grateful for it... but if you start treating me like shit now it would defeat the purpose of treating me with such patients for the last few months.
          I can only get so mad at you, so I'm reluctant to say some of the things that I want to say, but I will say this. I can tell that he is not healthy for you... but coming from me, a suggestion to leave him behind and separate yourself from him, would look only like a plea for my own interests. That is why I said what I said, and instead of taking your side, suggested trying to solve the problem between you two instead of deciding on total separation.